What to do with all that "good" advice?
What to do with all that "good" advice?
A wise woman once told me, "Use the advice that's useful to you and put the rest in the bin."
A diagnosis of mesothelioma can make you feel helpless and hopeless even for those in- directly affected. It’s an uncomfortable feeling to deal with, sometimes motivating people to want to try and "fix it".
Well-meaning platitudes and 'helpful' advice can often become a source of irritation to those coming to terms with altered futures. Magical cures abound, ignored by the specialists working every day towards life-extending treatments, but thankfully discovered by your neighbour's friend in the deep recesses of the internet.
Apricot kernels, cherries, special diets, and healing vibrations captured in the clay of hidden pools when the moon is full; appear to offer complication-free alternatives to proven interventions. Suggestions are made with love to provide hope. But at their core are often unhelpful, sometimes dangerous, and only hide the painful reality of this diagnosis. "Helpers" can become defensive when advice is rejected, adding extra stress to those already dealing with a devastating diagnosis. “I was only trying to help” often translates as “I’m scared I don’t know what to do.”
Understand that you are not responsible for making other people feel better. Your job is to prepare yourself and your loved ones candidly for the challenges ahead. It may appear selfish, but you have full permission to play the "cancer card".
Learning to adapt to this 'new normal' can evoke anxiety and isolation. Contemplating a loss of health, independence, income, intimacy, and the future uses a lot of emotional energy. And that's before you consider the physical effects of the disease itself, treatments, or side effects. Feeling overwhelmed and guilty only drains energy further.
Excuse yourself from environments and commitments that deplete you. Prioritise time for people and activities that add value and setting boundaries that maximise enjoyment and minimise effort add to the vital richness of life.
So flex the card and press play on a prepared reply, "I appreciate your intention, but I'd prefer to talk about ....... (something less boring)........instead”. Then revel in the power of not having to listen to unsolicited advice ever again.
February 2023
Ms Clarke discloses that this article may appear in part/full as part of the resources offered to the Reflections Mesothelioma Community, opinions are the author’s own.