Talking to children about cancer
Talking to children about cancer
It is very natural for parents to want to protect children from feelings of sadness and pain. Because of this deep-seated responsibility, many parents worry about how to talk with their child about cancer, fearing they might traumatise them, often not knowing how to begin the conversation or what words to use. We would like to help get this conversation started for you and your loved ones.
Contrary to what many people think, talking with children about cancer allows them to understand what’s going on, making them feel less anxious and more secure in themselves and their relationship with you. A child’s understanding of illness varies depending on their developmental stage, and so although we encourage you to discuss illness with children of all ages, talking to children about cancer age-appropriately means tailoring your language to the level at which they understand. We have prepared some ideas and starting points for you from our experience of working with children and families.
Preparing to talk with children:
What are the key messages you want to convey to them?
For example, explaining to your child that you have cancer, what cancer is and where it’s located. If the child is developmentally between 4-7 years old then explaining that cancer is not something that they can catch and that they haven’t done anything wrong to cause it. Telling them that you may need to go into hospital for cancer medicine and informing them about the basics around the treatment. If the child is developmentally older then you can explain in more detail the biology of the cancer and how it links to the physical symptoms you may be experiencing.
If you have more than one child and are speaking with them at the same time, tailor the language to the youngest developmental age as older children tend to understand if the information is pitched at a lower level.
What physical or verbal reassurance can you give them? For example, giving them a hug or telling them that they can talk to you whenever they are worried.
Who else in the family or support system knows about the cancer so that the child can speak to them as well? Make them aware of who these supportive people are and how they can reach out to them.
Sometimes it is worth the school or college knowing about the cancer, this helps them to monitor how the child’s wellbeing is when they aren’t at home.
Where and when might be a good time to talk? For instance, is there a room that the child feels comfortable being in where you can begin the conversation?
Informing children about cancer:
Be honest. Keep the language simple, clear and avoid using euphemisms as this confuses children.
Provide the information in bite-size chunks as ideally this is going to be an ongoing conversation with them rather than a one-off discussion.
You may need to repeat the information to them as they may not understand at first.
Allow them the time and space to ask questions.
Check in with how they are feeling having informed them. Continue checking in with them.
There are further resources available online that provide more in-depth information on assisting you with communicating to children about cancer. In addition to this, your local cancer service may offer specialised psychological support where a qualified therapist can help you to support your child in coping with the impact of the cancer. Fundamentally, there is no right or wrong way to tell a child about cancer and you will know your child best to be able to support them with this significant life event.
The author Dr Lisa Dvorjetz has no relevant disclosures to report for this article.